Help, Limber Leaper! It’s ageism, a very daunting adversary. First, I’m sure it influenced retirement before I was ready to go. And then repeatedly since my retirement as I’ve tried to find a job. Recently I’ve applied for some 20 different roles in the Chicago and the Galena/Dubuque area. No offers. Now, they weren’t just any jobs.

Each one was a role I was well-qualified for because of my interests, background, and experience. Well, I do admit I wasn’t a good fit for the “Cheese Monger” position at a shop in downtown Galena. And though I was tempted to finally run away and join the circus, the “Traveling Concessionaire” spot for the Venardos Circus in Iowa wouldn’t have worked either. Actually, I am a decent 3-object juggler and have my own unicycle. Bet landing that gig would have required a promotion. Plus, a Red Sea miracle to restore my sense of balance.

Ageism. A more descriptive term for it is age discrimination. Whatever we call it, it’s rampant in the workplace. Nearly 80% of older employees say they’ve seen or experienced age discrimination in the workplace, according to a recent survey by AARP.

Exactly what is ageism? The World Health Organization says it like this, “Ageism refers to the stereotypes (how we think), prejudice (how we feel) and discrimination (how we act) towards others or oneself based on age.”

According to the U.S. Equal Opportunity Employment Commission, “The law prohibits discrimination in any aspect of employment, including hiring, firing, pay, job assignments, promotions, layoff, training, benefits, and any other term or condition of employment.”

Age discrimination. It’s going to get even worse.

“Between ageism and AI causing job displacement, the average expected retirement age is getting substantially lower. However, 401k benefits and Medicare don’t kick in any sooner than they have over the years, and studies are showing that these benefits are going to be pushed out even later. So, how as a culture are we expecting everyone to live comfortably as they age, if in fact they are out of work?” –Ageism.org

My application for a recent opening with Mattel Toys (think Hot Wheels and Barbie) went like this. I worked through four different interview situations. Two by phone, one by Zoom, and one in person (not really an interview but a chance for me to observe someone doing the job). Through the first three, things looked great. I really thought I had the job. Then they got a good look at me in person. I was rejected the next morning via email with no reason given.

During the interviews I was asked several probably illegal questions related to my age. Questions like, “How long do you intend to work?”, “Will you still being working in 5 years?”, and “Do you know how to operate an iPad…are you sure an iPad isn’t a problem for you?” The last two questions came in a Zoom interview where they could see my smiling face. I must have looked downright iPad illiterate. Wait. I swear they couldn’t see my bare feet and my banjo did not appear in the background. All my teeth were in place and verified.

Most of the other applications I submitted were simply ignored and the openings relisted after a few days. A couple of them conducted phone interviews with me that always included at least one illegal question. Frustrating at the minimum.

Now. About this Limber Leaper? Also known as the Balding Bounder. Also known as the Mensan of Mayhem. Also known as the Silver Sage. His favorite tagline is “I am the Limber Leaper and I’m here to move your cheese.”

I first wrote about LL several years ago here in this blog. If you like, you can just search “Limber Leaper” on my blog homepage. The origin story is there, how the director of a play told me at a rehearsal I was playing my character as too limber and even leaping. It was meant as a critique, but my then 57-year-old self took it as a great compliment. I gave him a mission and the Limber Leaper was born.  Here’s an excerpt.

“The Leaper is left-handed, can’t stand still, hates male-pattern baldness, and loves movies where the old guys and gals are the heroes. The Leaper is known to have a healthy respect for the bold, powerful resilience of the American bison, struggles with his weight, thoroughly enjoys making fun of corporate jargon, and has a strong preference for genuine Hawaiian shave ice over run-of-the-mill snow cones.”

My very own superhero. He helps bring a little comic relief. I envisioned the Limber Leaper as a somewhat goofy crusader against ageism and other “isms” in the workplace. I wish there really was a Limber Leaper. We need him. Far too little is being done to combat ageism in the workplace.

How is the Limber Leaper doing today? I’m 66 and a half. I’m in good health. Maybe a little less limber and not leaping a heck of a lot. But I do have a variety of skills and experience to offer. As a supervisor once described me, “Bill, you’ve got more moves than a show dog.” But have I “lost a step?” Maybe some physically, after a hip replacement, reverse shoulder replacement, and open-heart aortic valve replacement. Sometimes I answer the question, “How are you?” with “Everything hurts.” I guess we all can answer that way on some days.

Today, I’m physically active with not many limitations. Recently, I did several 3-hour appearances as Batman in a very heavy, hot latex suit. About a year ago, Patty and I tackled Disney World with our 10-year-old granddaughter. Last January, I added puppy chasing to my daily activities.

Mentally, I’m as sharp as I ever was. I got proof of that after accuracy and speed questions (in a bad-fit position I did not seek) at work arose a few years ago. The result was constant, intense stress for several years. Free at last.

I did everything I could to find out if my brain was somehow deteriorating, including a thorough four-hour testing of my brain function and mental acuity administered by a neurocognitive testing firm. I went to a psychiatrist, sought counseling, and got tested for early onset Alzheimer’s Disease and Dementia. Throw in a physical, an eye exam, and a hearing test too. The results showed no problems in my speed, IQ, and overall mental abilities. All systems functioning.

So, what can the Limber Leaper do about age discrimination today?

Going forward, if I really want a job, I can do some things to tactfully combat ageism. I can keep track of the ageist questions and prepare better answers for them, like “No, I really don’t mind if my boss is 12” or “I’m used to working with a younger team” or “I’m a Marine veteran, I know how to salute.” Or I could take a class in emerging technology. Maybe get my resume reviewed by some culture-savvy firm.  

As I think about it, maybe I won’t use the Marine reply. Of course, I’m very proud to be a Marine veteran. But I’ve noticed in many of the companies’ first information-gathering applications, they ask if I’m a “protected veteran.” Because I’m a “Vietnam-Era Marine,” I am indeed a “protected veteran.” I’ve been simply answering “yes.” That immediately gives the employer a big tip to my age–Vietnam era. Bingo. What should be a positive for a company potentially becomes a liability for me. Yet I will not hide or lie about my military service.

Then there’s this, ummmm…advice. Another ageism website suggests I can “dye my hair” and/or “fudge” my resume. Sure, try to look younger. Seems like that just perpetuates the age discrimination. I guess if I had any hair to color, I might dye it. Nah. Well maybe. And fudging my resume to somehow seem younger seems like a silly plan. Not going to misrepresent myself. Like Popeye, “I yam what I yam!”

Just to be clear. Don’t fret none about Patty and me. I really don’t need to find a job now. We’re not at all in the financial danger zone. And I’ve reached the age for maximum Social Security but haven’t started it yet. We will soon. I also have a good chunk in my IRA I haven’t tapped into. I could flip the switches and have pretty good income.

Now if I could just adjust to being retired. I’ve gotten a paycheck of one flavor or another for a solid 50 years. Now none. Huh. It’s not like I don’t have any hobbies. Writing, acting, character appearances for charity, repairing and collecting toys from the 1960’s, dabbling at the banjo, prepping and displaying my 2008 Mustang Bullitt Edition at car shows, and drawing. And I do have 13 grandkiddos spread out all over the place to visit. Plenty of good things to do.

Still, ageism is wrong. And it’s okay to retire.

The Limber Leaper (cue theme music), helping forced-out workers fight back. At least in my mind. I’m going to keep applying to jobs I’m suited for. Nothing wrong with a Walmart greeter gig for sure, but I have a whole lot more to offer. The AARP folks say they want to help, and they claim to have a list of second careers for us older job seekers. Sadly, the jobs listed are typically retail, janitorial, dog walking, and security gigs. Sorry. I don’t want to put my brain in neutral.

As I drive around Chicago, Schaumburg, Indianapolis, and Dubuque, I see many corporate offices, factories, and headquarters. I look at them and wonder what’s going on in those places. I find myself almost yearning to be in there contributing somehow. I get sad. I’ve been benched and I can still play.

Wonder of wonders, I was just actually offered a job. “Motorcycle Enthusiast” at a Harley-Davidson dealer. While I’m definitely a motorcycle enthusiast, I’ve never owned or even ridden a Harley. I don’t own any bike now. And I like Hondas. I told them that right up front. The dealer didn’t seem to mind bringing in a currently non-riding Honda guy. There was no verisimilitude to offer Harley customers. I couldn’t really relate. That concerned me if not them. So did working every Saturday. And at a base pay lower than McDonald’s. Add to that about an hour commute each way.

After the second interview, I wandered around the showroom and found myself longing to get back in the wind astride a cool new motorcycle (I still don’t want a Harley). Sure, that’s what I need, to buy a new motorcycle. I’d owe my soul to the Harley dealer. Still, the job might have been fun. Tempting but not for me.

So, to re-route my choo-choo off the ageism tracks, the Limber Leaper needs to sharpen his focus. I’ll shoot for roles in writing, other forms of communication, and/or teaching, with a revised resume and a refreshed writing sample portfolio. I’ll keep trying to thwart ageism.

For now, please excuse me.  I’m heading to Target for a nice bottle of medium-brown hair color. Wait. Maybe a toupe. Good enough for Chuck Norris, good enough for me.

By the way, if you’d like to order your very own limited edition genuine Limber Leaper Action Figure, just let me know. I only have one. I guess it looks like me, but my head on there looks like my neck blew a bubble. I wish I had them put hair on my head.

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Sweet William Productions.